I have taken the next step to becoming the Platonic neoliberal entity.
I have privatised, subcontracted and outsourced my bodily functions to those very special corporate experts who know best.
They will cut costs, boost efficiency and elevate shareholder value from head to toe.
I gave the contract for my left foot including toes to BlackRock, who have now bought out JPMorgan for control of the whole left leg, raising concerns about possible monopolisation.
Austerity measures have hit wisdom teeth, pancreas and appendix with immediate terminations, with right kidney being put into special measures under threat of redundancy.
United Utilites won a long term contract over oesophageal work, while Balfour Beatty is currently running a tight ship over on right shoulder.
All clear fluid productions have been taken into the hands of Palantir who aim to implement a cutting edge AI system to categorise and rationalise the use of tears, spit and semen.
Left arm is currently experiencing a rollback in funding from Elon’s new company CarcassX who have decided that index finger and thumb are all that’s needed. Budget cuts will hit middle, ring and little finger with aggressive layoffs.
G4S is smoothly running the large intestine and BAE Systems are making waves over at colon, rectum and anus. I have complete confidence that the handling of all corporeal aspects will be safe in the hands of these professionals.
There is no fluff, no chaff or waste now that each multinational must fight to renew their contracts.
My teeth have gone public, with shares starting from just £50.
You might have questions about why the CEO of Lockheed Martin now has a stockpile of B- blood whilst I am in sudden need of transfusion, but our board of governors will not be taking inquiries at this moment.
General Dynamics has the contract for walking while Boeing has the contract for running, which has since been outsourced to their India office.
The working group for the management of negative emotions is currently being chaired by an ex-McKinsey partner who has a particular expertise in the area of rage, envy and scorn. Positive emotions are being taken care of by AstraZeneca.
Grey area emotions such as nostalgia, vindication and schadenfreude are now back under the control of the Ministry of Agriculture and Fisheries due to a U turn of the previous contract after damaging media accusations of cronyism.
It may sound undemocratic, but every four years each constituent body part will have the opportunity to vote on whether the central nervous system should be controlled by the right brain or left brain.
I am not worried.
My human form is now streamlined, cost-effective and producing positive outcomes for the invested parties,
I have never felt more alive and I didn’t need my stomach acid anyway.